Can't Spell Slaughter Without Laughter
by Hyperteenager24
Summary: Batman had many fears...the Joker pro-creating was one of them.
1. Chapter 1

Okay, so a few years ago I started a Joker/Harley kid series….and lost all interest. This is the re-write of that series, with better writing, storyline and characterisation. :)

Please read and review :)

…

"You've got to tell him eventually Harls…" murmured Poison Ivy, watching as her friend reached down into the cot and gently stroke the hair of the baby in it, "…I can't keep lying to that maniac…I won't. He'll force his way in one day and I won't stop him….he needs to know."

"But Red!" whined Harley, "What if he tells me to get rid of him, my baby!"

"What did he say when you told him you were pregnant?"

"Ummmmm…."

"You did tell him right?!"

Harley shrugged, "He never mentioned anything about wanting' children…Didn't want to upset him."

"So…..he doesn't know?"

"…When I couldn't hide it anymore, I came here."

"Yeah, and that was a few months ago! Harley, he's going crazy looking for you….more crazy!"

Seemingly torn at this, Harley sighed "Give me a few more weeks Red….and I'll call him."

…

Two more months went by and Ivy was ready to tear her hair out with the stress. The brat never seemed to sleep and Harley only encouraged him! Making him laugh, never letting him leave her sight.

As Harley went to give her son a change, Red made the decision to go shopping….she needed retail therapy and fast. However, when she went to open the door, she almost ran straight into the mob boss himself….the Joker.

"Ivy…." Crooned the man, wagging his finger in her face, "…you've been telling big porky pies to me! Naughty, naughty!"

Ivy desperately tried to school her face into a neutral expression. "I have no idea what you mean…" she sighed, "….now unless you're volunteering to carry all my shopping for me, I suggest you move out of my way clown."

She attempted to push past the man, however, the Joker's thugs pushed her back into the apartment. Before Ivy could teach them a lesson in manners, there was the sound of a baby beginning to sob….and then Harley's sing-song voice from within a guest bedroom.

"Aah, now don't cry sugar! Ya gotta be a happy kid for Mommy! Turn that frown upside down!"

Ivy winced….the Joker was beginning to look pissed off now. As he opened his mouth to scream at either her or for Harley, the leading lady herself exited the guest room….her baby in her arms.

"I dunno who's been feeding him grapes Red, but I think that one melted my eyebrows off my-Puddin'!?"

Joker scowled at the scared blonde, his eyes focused on the baby in her arms. "Is it mine?" he growled menacingly, stepping closer and closer to his partner.

Harley nodded frantically, angling herself so that she partially protected her son. "O-of course Mista J! There ain't nobody else, I swear!"

"Then why did you leave Harley…." Hissed the mobster, backing the girl into a wall, "…if it were mine, why did you leave without telling me where you went!"

The baby began to sob in Harley's arms, prompting her to rock him back and forth. "I-I swear puddin', I only left because I was getting fat and ugly. You wouldn't have wanted to see your Harley Quinn like that would ya?"

There was a tense silence for a few moments, before the Joker beamed at Harley. "You always have my best interests at heart babe!"

He held out his arms, silently asking for Harley to hand the baby over. Ivy was dismayed to see that Harley didn't even hesitate before handing the boy over….but found herself surprised when the maniac began to make funny faces at the baby.

The boy laughed at the strange man in front of him, which only caused the Joker's smile to broaden. "There you go! Laughing like your Daddy!"

Privately, Ivy disagreed….the kid's laughter was much saner sounding.

Harley giggled as the Joker tucked his son into his side with one arm and pulled her closer with the other. "You're not still mad at me are ya puddin'?" she asked, pouting up at him.

"Now how could I be mad at you...?" He cooed, "….you've given me an heir! Now…what's his name?"

Harley grinned, "I called him Jesse….or my little Jester!"

"Jester! I love it!" cackled Joker

He stood there laughing for a few moments, before Ivy sighed impatiently. "Great. Can you get out now…go play happy families somewhere else."

The Joker glared at her, before clicking his fingers at his goons and gesturing to the other rooms. "Go get their stuff…." He ordered, "…and be quick about it."

He glanced at Harley and pinched her cheek, "I think you deserve some nicer clothes as a reward, hmmmm?"

Harley squeaked slightly in joy as the Joker's goons began to carry her and Jesse's stuff out of the rooms. When everything was cleared out, Joker (his son still in his arms) clicked his fingers once more. "Come on babe, let's get out of here."

Waggling her fingers at Ivy, Harley eagerly followed Joker out of the door. As the door slammed shut, Ivy sighed. "Good luck Harley…."

….

Eight months later, the Joker watched Harley dancing on the stripper stage in his club. Jesse sat beside him, chewing on his teddy's ear.

"Ummmm, Mister Joker…Sir?"

The Joker's eyes flickered to the mobster sitting opposite him, who was staring at Jesse.

"Shouldn't he be with his Mom or something?" asked the mobster.

The Joker was silent for a few moments, before cackling uncontrollably and pointing towards the stage. "You want me to put him on there?! With our little Harley Quinn?! A baby on a stripper stage….and they call me a sicko!"

This caused the mobster to lean away from the maniac, a worried look flashing across his face as his eyes darted between the Joker and Harley on the stage. "I-I'm sorry….I didn't realise that your Harley Quinn was his mother."

The laughter stopped as quickly as it began, and a cold look flashed over the Joker's face. "And why not…" he hissed, "….why wouldn't my queen be the mother to my heir, hmmmmm? Or do you think I just sleep with every little whore that walks into my eye-sight?"

"N-no! Of course not I-"

He was stopped in his tracks…when a bullet hit him in the head, splattering blood all over the back wall. The sudden gunshot silenced the club, with the DJ even lowering the music volume. Noticing that everyone was staring, the Joker leapt up and snarled. "Don't you all have drugs to snort and vodka to chug?! Bob, Harry! Clean this piece of shit up!"

As the music went back up again, the two thugs ran to grab the mobster's dead body as the Joker collapsed back onto his seat. Feeling something climb onto his lap, he glanced down and groaned. "Jester, not now…"

Jesse scowled, hitting his Dad with his Teddy in a silent demand for Joker to play with him.

"Jesse…."

Ignoring the warning growl, Jesse continued. With a snarl, Joker ripped the Teddy away and threw it into the dancing crowd, before placing his whining son on the ground. "Fetch."

As Jesse crawled towards the dance floor, the Joker grabbed a microphone. "BABY ON THE FLOOR. ANYONE TOUCHES HIM, AND THEY CAN SAY GOODBYE TO THEIR FEET!"

The dancing became tamer, with the crowd only swaying side to side, their eyes on the floor in order to make sure they didn't accidentally step on the, now giggling, baby.

Turning away, Joker began to examine his latest plans against Gotham City. Focusing on the specific details of getting his Joker Gas to spread to more of the city, he was startled when he heard Harley's shriek over the noise of the club.

"HE'S WALKIN'!"

Once again the club fell silent and a small circle was formed around Harley Quinn, who was clutching at Jesse. The Joker (who was not happy with the interruption) stormed over to stand just on the edge of the circle.

"Harley…." He hissed, "…there'd better be a good reason for the interruption! Gotham isn't going to fall into chaos itself!"

Either ignoring, or completely oblivious to the tone of voice, Harley beamed at her lover. "He's walkin' puddin'! Pulled himself up and walked right over!"

Jesse, who now had his teddy back, giggled as his Mom began to bounce him up and down, cooing about how good he was. Seeing that the Joker still wasn't impressed, Harley placed Jesse down on his feet and pointed at Joker.

"Go to Daddy sweetie! Go on!"

Jesse wobbled on his feet for a few seconds, staring at his Dad. Suddenly, he began to giggle and slowly toddle towards the Joker, one arm clutching onto his Teddy and the other reaching out for his Dad.

It took a few moments, but eventually, Jesse managed to latch himself onto the Joker's pant legs. Despite being annoyed at the interruption, Joker couldn't help but grin down at his son. "Nice kiddo!" he laughed, bending down to lift his son into his arms, before glaring at the rest of the crowd. "Clear out! We're now closed for the night!"

Nobody wanted to hang around and disobey the Joker's direct order, so the club cleared out very quickly. Soon, it was only the Joker, Harley and their son who were left.

As Jesse began to pat his Dad on the cheek, Harley bounced over and threw her arms around the pair. "Ain't he good puddin'?" she cooed, stroking Jesse's dirty blonde hair, giggling as he babbled excitedly at her, "He did it all by himself to see his mummy!"

Resisting the urge to wince at the high-pitched squeal, the Joker focused all of attention on his son. "Yeah…he's a good kid."

As the Joker began to rock Jesse back and forth, the toddler yawned and rested his head against his Father's chest, eyes slowly slipping shut as he fell asleep.

Checking that the kid was asleep, Joker placed him on one of the leather sofas and placed two pillows on the edge to try and stop the kid from rolling off. He then turned to Harley and grinned, "This opens up a wide range of opportunities for us babe!" he crowed triumphantly, "With a face like that, the kid'll be the perfect distraction! And now he can walk, he can lead!"

"Lead puddin'"

Joker placed an arm around her shoulder and pulled her closer. "Imagine this….a casino guard, all alone guarding a back entrance. Then, all of a sudden, a little toddler comes wandering up to him, crying because he's lost his mummy. That guard would have to be a heartless bastard not to try and help….and that's when we strike!"

Harley squealed in glee, clapping her hands together as she bounced up and down. "He's like our little skeleton key!"

"Precisely my dear….precisely."

Patrons who were still standing outside the bar, soon scarpered when they heard the maniacal laughter from inside the club.


	2. Bloom

Okay, so a few years ago I started a Joker/Harley kid series….and lost all interest. This is the re-write of that series, with better writing, storyline and characterisation. :)

Please read and review :)

…

"AAAAHHHHHHH!"

Joker snarled in frustration when he tried to put his son's shoes on….only to be kicked in the head again and again and again. "Kid, if you hit me one more time, I'm going to-"

Before he could finish the sentence, Jesse lashed out again, this time hitting Joker on the nose. Whilst it didn't break, Joker still yelled in pain as he felt blood drip from his nose.

"Why you little brat!"

In anger, the Joker leapt to his feet, shoes still in his hand. He threw them against the wall, causing a loud thud to echo throughout the apartment. He spun to glare at his son, who was simply glaring back.

"Why so unhappy you little rat?!" Joker hissed, removing a switchblade from his pocket, "Let's put a smile on that face."

He stepped closer and closer, brandishing the knife so that his son could see it….but Jesse clearly wasn't bothered, and continued to glare at the man.

Once reaching Jesse, Joker grabbed his son by his t-shirt (with a clown's face on it) and pulled him close. With the other hand, he rested the blade on Jesse's cheek. Now knowing that his Dad was serious, Jesse began to sob, tears dripping down his cheeks and pooling slightly on the knife blade.

"Yeah…." Chuckled Joker, "….you're scared now aren't you?"

Without warning, Jesse then began to scream….which attracted the wrong attention.

"Jester? Jester what's wrong-PUDDIN' NO!"

Joker growled when he felt the arm containing the blade being pulled away from his son. "Harley, let go of me!"

"NO! Don't hurt him!"

With another growl, Joker dropped Jesse to the ground and wrenched his arm free, then spinning around to backhand Harley to the ground.

"He is my son!" Joker turned away to glare at Jesse, "And I'll discipline him however I like!"

"NO!"

This time, Harley's scream was joined by a hard hit to the Joker's head, sending him falling to the ground. "SHIT!"

Whilst the Joker was distracted with the pain, Harley snatched Jesse up off the ground and raced into a separate room, being sure to lock the door behind her. Soon afterwards, the Joker began to bang on the door, screaming and cursing at her.

"Let me in now whore! Do you hear me! LET. ME. IN!"

Harley remained quiet, clutching Jesse close to her chest until the Joker cursed at her one last time before storming off down the corridor. After it was clear that the coast was clear, Jesse twisted around in his mother's arms and stuck his tongue out at the door.

"Now, now honey…." Cooed Harley, gently stroking her son's hair, "…your Daddy is just in a bad mood. He doesn't mean all of those nasty words."

Jesse just babbled quietly, tears still streaming down his face. Harley sighed at this, gently rocking her son back and forth as she began to hum softly, remembering an old song from her childhood.

"You've seen the damage words can do,

When full of thoughtless pride,

Now heed the wiser voice in you,

That calls to be your guide,

The flowers reaching for the sun are all uniquely blessed,

But though each is special not a one is better than the rest

Bloom, bloom, may you know,

The wisdom only time breeds,

There's room, bloom and you'll grow,

To follow where your heart leads,

Bloom and may you bring,

Your colours to the vast bouquet,

There's room, bloom, learn one thing,

Your gifts are meant to give away."

As the song came to a finish, Harley twirled a strand of her son's hair around her finger, her eyes still focused on the door.

"Mommy?"

Harley gasped in shock, lifting Jesse up to her eye level and beaming at him. "What did you say honey?!"

There was silence for a few moments, before Jesse giggled and held out his arms. "Mommy!"

This caused Harley to squeal in joy, giggling when Jesse attempted to mimic her. Completely forgetting the earlier fight, she rushed out of the room and sped towards the main living room.

In there, the Joker was seating at his desk, clearly sulking as he peaked through the gaps in the blinds.

"Puddin'! Puddin'!" squealed Harley, racing up to him, "He's talkin'! He's talkin'!"

Joker snarled at her, taking a breath to probably scream at her….but he was interrupted.

"Mommy! Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!"

The Joker's eyes went wide as his permanent grin seemed to grow even wider. "Well listen to you kiddo!" he cheered, lifting Jesse out of Harley's arms and into his own, "But you've got to say Daddy now! Dad-dee….come on kid!"

Silence.

"Dad-dee…" prompted the Joker again.

Jesse frowned at him, before taking a deep breath. "Dad-dee…"

"Yeah! And again!"

"Dad-dy. Daddy!"

Harley clapped her hands together in excitement, "Isn't this great Puddin'?!"

"It sure is honey…" chuckled Joker, sitting back down with Jesse on his lap. With a steadying hand on his son's back, Joker used his other hand to tickle the bottom of Jesse's feet, "…and I know why you didn't want to wear those nasty shoes! They were too dull weren't they Jester?! Not colourful enough for my little clown!"

Jesse just giggled, clapping his hands together as Joker continued to tickle his feet. Harley nodded in agreement with her lover's statement, "I think a shopping spree is in order!" she whooped, "I'll go call Red!"

She skipped out of the room without even waiting for a reply, leaving the Joker and Jesse staring after her. "Don't worry kiddo…" chuckled Joker, "….Harley will manage it. Meanwhile, let's have some Father-Son bonding time, huh? I'll let you play with my knife collection?"

"Daddy!"

"Atta boy!"


	3. Giving Jester Back

Okay, so a few years ago I started a Joker/Harley kid series….and lost all interest. This is the re-write of that series, with better writing, storyline and characterisation. :)

Please read and review :)

…

"WHERE IS SHE!" screamed the Joker, throwing knife after knife at his cowering henchmen. "WHERE ARE THEY?!"

"W-we're getting them Boss!" stammered one of the men, "They'll be here soon I promise!"

The final knife was thrown into the ground as the Joker stormed over to his 'throne', "Tell me when they arrive…" he ordered, "…and if there is even one bruise on her not put there by me, then there'll be hell to pay!"

"Y-Yes boss!"

As the door slammed shut behind them, Joker removed one of guns from his side table and opened fired at the door….where a picture of Batman was hung up.

"Bad Batsy…"he muttered angrily, "…bad, bad Batsy!"

When he ran out of bullets, he simply chose to scowl at the door, waiting semi-patiently until his Harley and heir were returned to him.

Several hours later, the henchman re-entered the room, gently pushing Harley into the room. "Puddin'!" sobbed the young lady, rushing to her lover…however, before she could leap onto his lap, he back-handed her across the face, sending her to the ground.

"WHERE IS HE?!" He screamed, grabbing her by one of her ponytails and pulling her up'

"I-I'm sorry Mista J…but the Bats got him. They wouldn't let me keep Jesse with us!"

"You dumb bitch! What were you thinking, taking Jester with you on a shopping spree?!"

Harley whimpered when faced with Joker's anger, "I-I thought it would be fun!"

"What about now?!" The Joker back-handed her again, "Is it fun now?!"

Harley did nothing but whimper, flinching when a glob of spit landed on her.

"Get up…." Snarled Joker, "…We're getting him back. TINY! FETCH MY COAT!"

….

Liam, a young Irish immigrant orphan, scowled as the cries from the baby next door increased in volume. "Ain't that bloody thing gonna shut up?!" he snarled angrily to the room of teens and young adults.

"Liam…" chuckled James, who was a few weeks away from his eighteenth birthday and therefore leaving this place, "…it hasn't shut up to sleep or feed, I think we can safely assume by this point that it isn't gonna be quiet anytime soon."

The screaming continued well into the night…..

…..

The quivering women sobbed as the Joker leaned over her, "P-please! I don't know!"

"You don't know?" hissed the criminal, "Your pitiful little organisation received a baby, my son, and you don't know where he was sent to?!"

"P-p-please! We p-place lots of infants in orphanages or in care every day! I-I can't remember specific ones!"

She let out a little scream of fear as the Joker pulled out a switchblade and held it to her throat. "Let's see if I can't jog that memory hmmmm?" he whispered, his permanent grin widening as the smell of piss punctured the air, "This little baby would have been brought in by a certain flying rodent! The Batman!"

The woman continued to sob, however, she began to nod. "Y-yes! Y-yes I remember! I swear!"

"And?"

"S-social services g-gave him to the l-local orphanage! The P-p-Pinkey orphanage!"

The Joker beamed at her, moving the switchblade to her cheek and patted it with the flat side of the blade. "That's all I wanted…" he crooned, "…now, smile for me darling!"

From outside of the room, all that could be heard was the screams and begging of the woman…and the cackling of the madman inside.

…..

Liam desperately tried to cover his ears with his pillow as the screaming continued. "I swear, if he doesn't shut up soon, I'm gonna-"

He quickly cut himself when the door to his room creaked open, signalling that the landlady was checking to make sure that everyone was asleep. Feigning sleep, Liam remained still and silent until the door closed and the light from the hallway disappeared.

And yet the screaming continued.

Liam couldn't take it anymore. He rolled out of bed and crept to the door, peeking down the corridor both ways, before tiptoeing towards the toddler ward. Toddlers and babies were always snatched up very quickly, so the room was almost always empty…but now, there was one cot in the room.

He strode over, fist clenched in preparation to explode at the child….but when he looked at the toddler, he realised that he looked familiar. The child had his eyes squeezed shut as he screamed and screamed, but the dirty blonde hair and its style was familiar.

Vaguely, Liam remembered spending a drunken night in a local club…the Joker's club, a couple of weeks ago. Thankfully, most clubs in Gotham had the 'If you can pay, you can drink' policy. However, this toddler had been just wandering all over the club and dimly, Liam could remember the Joker's threats.

'If anyone steps on my kid, they can kiss those little piggies goodbye!'

"Shit…" whispered Liam, reaching into the cot and pulling the toddler out, "…hey…James?"

The kid continued to scream.

"John?"

No response.

Liam squeezed his eyes in a desperate attempt to remember the kid's name….the name that the hot blonde had called him. However, he had been very drunk that night….it definitely began with J though.

"…Jeremy? Jimmy? Jesse?"

At the last name, the kid quietened down and stared at the older teen. Liam grinned in relief, "Thank god…" Then he winced, "Shit….we've got Joker's kid."

…

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE GOT TRANSFERRED?!" screamed the Joker, pinning the receptionist's hand to the desk with a knife.

The lady screamed, taking deep gasping breaths.

"TELL ME WHERE HE IS!"

"W-we didn't have enough room here…" she sobbed, "….s-so we had to send him somewhere else!"

Frustrated at the lack of answer from the young lady, the Joker wrenched the knife out of her hand and slammed it into her shoulder. "WHERE IS MY SON?!"

"G-Gotham City Orphanage! Please! STOP!"

Twisting the knife around, Joker eventually removed it from the woman's shoulder…before slicing her throat.

"This is turning into a wild goose chase!" he growled, spinning around to face Harley and a couple of other minions, "Come on! Before Bats starts sniffing around!"

"P-puddin' I-i-"

"SHUT UP!"

…..

"This is such a bad idea…" whispered James, as he and Liam crept down a nearby alleyway, "…what if the Joker just decides to kill you after he gets his son? How do you even know this is the Joker's kid?!"

Liam, who was giving the toddler a piggyback ride, shrugged. "Haven't really thought it that much to be honest…but do you really want to be in the same building when the Joker comes looking for his kid."

"…Good point."

The pair walked on for another few minutes, heading in the direction of the club. Suddenly, there was the sound of yelling and begging from an alleyway nearby.

"STUPID WHORE!"

There was the sound of a slap and a woman crying out, "P-puddin' please!"

Before Liam and James could investigate, Jesse slapped Liam on the side of the face. "Go! Go! Mummy! Daddy!"

James winced, "Isn't it a bit worrying that he recognises his parents from the Jokers abuse?"

"Are you going to volunteer to give Joker a lecture on domestic abuse and all its evils?"

"Not a chance in hell."

Warily, the pair crept to the end of the alley and peeked around the corner, both wincing when they saw the Joker grab Harley by a coloured pig-tail and pull her to her feet.

"We have been to every corner of this fucking city!" yelled the Joker, "And still we don't have my heir! And it's all your fucking fault!"

"I-I know Mister J, I-I'm sorry!"

"Sorry isn't bringing my son back!"

As the Joker raised his hand to hit Harley again, James and Liam couldn't take it anymore. "Wait, wait!" cried out Liam, darting out from his hiding place and waving his hand to try and stop the man….however, he was met with several guns pointed straight at him.

James, who was straight behind him, then spoke up frantically. "No wait! We have your son!" he cried out, lifting Jesse off of Liam's back and holding him in the air, "He was in our orphanage, so we're bringing him back to you!"

Almost immediately, Joker gestured for his men to stand down, ignoring Harley as he knelt to the ground and held out his arms. "Come on Jester…" he giggled, "…come to Daddy!"

James quickly placed the toddler on the ground, and watched as Jesse practically ran towards his Dad, stumbling a couple of times before falling into Joker's chest. "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!"

"Well done kiddo!" The Joker then turned his attention back to the two young adults, and narrowed his eyes, "You two can leave now."

James quickly turned away, not wanting to remain there any longer, but Liam didn't move an inch. Instead he chose to straighten up and looked the maniac straight in the eye. "I-I want to talk to you."

"Liam what are you doing?!" hissed James, but Liam just pushed his hand away and stepped forwards.

"I-I need a job…" stuttered the teen, "…I'm not wasting my life in that orphanage when I could be doing something else."

The Joker rose an eyebrow, "You don't wanna wait around for the perfect little family, with the white picket fence and yappy dog?"

"I have…anger issues. Nobody's gonna want me, so I'm gonna help myself!"

There was silence as Joker handed his son over to one of his minions (ignoring Harley entirely) and strode over to the teen. "Anger issues…." He hummed in curiosity, "….ever killed anyone?"

Liam flinched at this and avoided looking the Joker in the eyes. "I-I…almost." He stuttered, "There was a kid in one of my first foster homes who really pissed me off….he was in a coma for three weeks after I was done with him."

This caused the Joker to burst out in hysterical laughter, "Three weeks! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Kid, you have potential!"

"S-so, you'll give me a job?"

Flinging his arm around Liam's shoulder, Joker pulled him close and practically marched him over to the rest of the criminal group, "Yeah kid…I gotta job for you. Tiny! Reckon you can get him beefed up a little."

A large man, dressed in a smart but simple suit, sunglasses covering his eyes, stared at Liam for a while. Eventually, he nodded. "Yeah boss, I reckon I can get him in shape."

"Excellent…" the Joker pushed Liam forwards, "….congratulations kid. You've just been hired as my son's official bodyguard!"

"P-pardon?!"

The Joker shrugged his shoulders, "After recent events, I've realised that my son needs protection…." The maniac glared at Harley, "….which means you'll be with my son twenty four-seven when he goes out and in the club. Agreed?"

Liam didn't even hesitate when he agreed, straightening up when the Joker clapped his on the shoulder.

"Good choice!" The Joker then turned to glare at Harley, "Hear that Harls? Now there won't be any more of these….incidents. You're lucky this nice young gentleman found Jesse and brought him back huh?"

Harley, who was still cowering on the ground, nodded silently. As Liam went over to the other bodyguards/thugs, James stepped forwards. "Liam…" he begged, "…don't do this!"

Not even turning to look at his 'friend', Liam sighed. "I'm not like you James….I've not got a future outside of being adopted! I've not got the grades, or the college scholarship. This may be my only chance to having a life of my own!"

James was silent for a few seconds before nodding. "Okay…" he whispered, "…okay Liam." He turned to walk away, before glancing back. "Are you sure this is what you want to do?"

"…Yes. I'm sure."

Though he clearly wasn't pleased with this, James nodded in acceptance and turned away, striding into the distance. Liam watched as the older teen disappeared around the corner, before turning to the Joker (who seemed to find it all quite funny).

"So…" began Liam, wanting to break the awkward silence, "…what would you like me to do?"

Joker grabbed his son and thrusted him towards the teen, "Congratulations….he needs changing HAHAHAHAHA!"

Liam watched as Joker dragged Harley to her feet and strode in the direction of his club, closely followed by his bodyguards. One sniff told Liam all he needed to know….Wearily, he followed the group, trying not to breathe in too deeply.

O what a glamourous life.


	4. Somewhere Out There

"GET DOWN!" yelled Liam as he leapt towards Jesse, grabbing him in his arms and pulling him to safety.

Jesse had recently turned two a few weeks ago, so the Joker decided it was time that his heir witnessed a proper gang meeting. A large part of the Joker's criminal empire revolved around drugs and certain illegal chemicals, therefore he would meet up with several benefactors and other mob leaders in order to obtain these substances.

Earlier on in the evening, the Joker and his son had met a dealer on the Gotham docks, with the Joker's usual bodyguards and Liam standing watch over them. The Clown Prince of Gotham was dressed in his usual purple outfit, and Jesse was dressed in a miniature suit, complete with a purple tie.

The dealer was clearly not intimidated by the Joker or his reputation (which made Liam consider who the crazy one really was), and often scoffed at the Jokers' offers. Keeping a careful eye on the dealers' own bodyguards, Liam shuffled closer to Jesse, making sure that he could protect the toddler if need be.

It had only been a few months since Liam had been hired as Jesse's personal bodyguard, and in those past weeks, he had been pushed to his absolute limit physically and mentally...and it was probably only thanks to this training that he was able to see one of the dealer's hired thugs pull out a revolver from the back of his jeans.

And that was how he ended up where he was…. hiding behind a dumpster, with a shaking Jesse in his arms.

The Joker could be heard yelling and laughing out threats, and the sound of gunshots echoed throughout the area, with bullets ricocheted off of the dumpster they were hiding behind. "It's okay…" muttered Liam, trying to soothe the toddler, "…your Daddy's going to be okay. Everything will be okay."

At this point, Liam wasn't sure if he was trying to reassure Jesse or himself.

Suddenly, from around the right side of the dumpster, one of the dealers' thugs appeared and aimed the gun at the pair…only to fall backwards, a bullet in his forehead.

"Well, they know where we are now…" sighed Liam shuffling backwards until he reached a nearby alleyway, "Jester. I'm going to need you to remain as quiet as possible, okay?"

Jesse glanced up at him and nodded, holding a finger to his lips. "Sssshhhh" he whispered.

"That's right. Ssssshhhhhh."

Keeping his eye out for any more thugs, Liam got to his feet and backed into the shadow as the fight between the dealer and the Joker seemed to move away.

"Come on Jester…" he muttered, "….we need to lay low for a while."

"Why?"

"…Because I don't want to get shot, and neither do you I think."

Jesse remained silent, causing Liam to grin. If there was one thing he was good at, it was ending the 'Why?' game before it truly started.

Taking advantage of the silence, Liam headed towards the end of the alleyway, to where he could see another street….and a car.

"Liam…is Daddy dead?"

"No. It'll take more than a gun fight to bring your Dad down." Glancing right and left, Liam quickly snuck over to the car and placed Jesse on the ground.

As Liam began to break into the car, Jesse babbled quietly to himself. "Guns can't kill Daddy. Only Batty can kill Daddy. Only Batty can kill Daddy….and only Daddy can kill Batty."

Desperately trying to ignore the toddlers' babbles, Liam finally managed to open the car door. He picked Jesse up and strapped him into the front passenger seat, quickly realising that you couldn't see the toddler if you happened to glance in through the window…this could work to his advantage.

Climbing into the driver's seat, Liam managed to hot-wire the vehicle and pulled away from the curb.

"We going home?" asked Jesse, trying to see out of the window, "Mummy be worried."

Liam considered the idea for a moment, before shaking his head. "Sorry Jester, but we can't. Those bad guys that were shooting at us? Well, they might follow us to the club or they might get there first and try to hurt us."

"B-but I wanna go home!"

Wincing as the toddler began to shriek and wail, Liam reached over to switch the radio on, hoping to drown the noise out. He turned left, then right, then right again and left, hoping to shake off anyone who may have been following them.

He drove continuously for around half an hour, until he reached a motel. The lights of the sign were broken and the outside was covered in slimy moss. Jesse had fallen silent almost ten minutes previously, realizing that he wasn't getting the attention he wanted.

"Alright…" sighed Liam wearily, parking the car in an unlit parking spot (of which there were many), before going around to the passenger side and lifting Jesse out of the seat, ignoring how the toddler sulkily hit him on the shoulder.

Upon entering the shabby motel, he was greeted by a receptionist, who was clearly paid too little for doing too much. "Welcome to the Lincoln motel, how can I help you?"

Shifting Jesse to one arm, Liam reached into an inside blazer pocket and pulled out a wad of $50 notes. "I need a room. The best you have, which includes hot water and clean bedding. I also need for us to be completely anonymous. Agreed?"

Staring at the wad of money in shock, barely even blinking in order to keep her eyes on it, the receptionist pushed her chair backwards and grabbed a key from the rack. "T-the wedding suite. I-it's the only one that's cleaned regularly. It is a double bed though?"

"It's clean, that's all we need." Liam snatched the key out of her hand, and striding towards the door leading to the rooms. The corridor was dark and practically covered with spider-webs and mould.

Jesse glanced around before burying his face back into Liam's shoulder. "Yucky…" he mumbled.

"I know kiddo…" Reaching the door, Liam jammed the key in the keyhole and twisted it violently, pushing the door open with his free shoulder.

Yikes.

If this was the cleanest room in the motel, then the amount of STD's in the other rooms could keep the local hospital in business.

"Right…" he sighed, gingerly placing Jesse on the edge of his bed, "…security checks. And then a bed bugs check."

Jesse moved to lie back against the bed, only to be stopped when Liam rushed over and braced a hand against his back, making sure he remained upright.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa…." Gently scolded the bodyguard, "….no lying back unless you want fleas." He paused, glancing around. "In fact, just stand here just in case."

He lifted Jesse up off the bed and placed him in the middle of the room, moving away to scan the room for cameras and listening devices…..and creepy crawlies.

After a few minutes of searching, Liam was finally satisfied…the bed sheets were clean (although the mattress could have done with a scrub). "Okay…." He turned to Jesse, "…. we should be fine to stay here for the night, whilst everything calms down."

"Wanna go home!"

Liam sighed wearily.

This was going to be a long night.

…..

There were many ways that Joker envisioned spending this evening.

Celebrating his new deal, Harley perched on his knee.

Taking control of more territory through the use of drugs and illegal chemicals.

However, what he didn't expect was to return home childless and spend the rest of the evening with a gun pressed up against his forehead…. courtesy of his dear Harley Quinn.

"Harley…" he crooned, "…surely we can talk about this?"

There was only silence as Harley pressed the gun harder into his forehead.

"You know, if you wanted to have some gunplay fun tonight, you should have said!"

Harley didn't even react to the sexual innuendo, keeping her gun carefully aimed at the mad man's forehead. "Our son was shot at and is now missing…. give me one good reason why I shouldn't shoot you in the head!"

"…. because I love you?"

Harley sneered at him, "You don't love me, you don't love anyone except yourself!"

"Not true!"

"If you loved anyone but yourself, then you'd have brought our son home with you!"

"His bodyguard has him! It's all under control!"

Harley snarled angrily, spinning around on her heels and throwing the gun onto the leather sofa. "Make yourself at home Mister J…because you and that sofa are going be well acquainted until Jesse comes home."

Before Joker could even think of answering, Harley stormed out of the room and slammed the door behind her.

"Well…" he sighed, "…I think that went well."

….

"Wanna song Liam!"

Liam winced as the petulant child began to slam his fists and feet on the battered mattress, refusing to go to sleep as Liam felt his eyelids grow heavy.

"Kid please!"

"WANNA SONG!"

"Fine, fine!" Liam gave up and pulled Jesse into his lap and began to rock back and forth, "Which one kiddo?"

"Mommy's song! Mommy's song!"

Liam sighed again. He knew this song well. Harley had once mentioned that it was a song in one of her favourite films as a child. Something about a mouse lost in New York… Liam was never one for cutesy, talking animal films as a child.

Jesse loved them.

"Song Liam! Song!"

Wearily, Liam sighed and started to hum until he could remember the words.

"Somewhere… o-out there.  
Beneath the pale, moonlight.  
S-someone's thinking of you… and loving you tonight."

*************Cut to Harley************************

Harley stared out of her bedroom window and sighed at the bright lights of the nearby buildings (well those that were on). On the TV behind her was 'An American Tail', her favourite film, which has been turned up in order to drown out Mister J's complaints over sleeping on the sofa.

As Fiefel started to sing, Harley buried her face in one of the pillows, humming along to the melancholy song.

"Somewhere… out there  
Someone's saying a prayer  
That…we'll find one another.  
In that big somewhere, out there.

And even though I know how very far apart we are.  
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star…."

***********Cut to Liam & Jesse*****************

"And when the n-night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby.  
It helps to think we're seeping underneath the same big sky…."

Noticing that Jesse's eyes were slowly sliding shut, Liam lowered his voice as he finished the song.

"Somewhere out there…  
If love can see us through…  
Then we'll be together…. somewhere out there.  
Out where dreams…. come true."

The soft, steady breathing of the toddler, caused Liam to sigh in relief. Tucking Jesse in, he scanned the room one last time, making sure all the doors were locked, before seating himself on a nearby armchair (where he could keep watch over Jesse) and slowly falling asleep himself.

….

The next morning, Liam determined that the danger had passed, and bundled Jesse back into their stolen car.

"Home now?" asked the toddler.

Liam nodded as he clambered into the driving seat, "Yeah…. Home now. You ready to see Mommy?"

Giggling and nodding his head frantically, Jesse bounced up and down in his seat as the car started and they headed away from the motel. Keeping a careful eye out for anyone who may pose them a threat, or anyone following them, Liam merged into the traffic.

Thankfully, they managed to make it to the back-alley behind the Joker's club without incident. Almost as soon as Liam pulled Jesse out of the car, the back door to the club flew open and Harley ran out.

"Jester!" she cried out, practically snatching the child away and holding him close to her chest, "My little Jester!"

"Mommy!"

Liam turned away to allow the pair some privacy… only to come face to face with the Clown Prince of crime himself.

"Liam! Just the man I wanted to see!"

Tensing up in case of confrontation, Liam nodded at the man. "What can I do for you Sir?"

Joker flung on arm around Liam's shoulder and pulled him closer, "Trust me, you've already done all you can. My heir is alive and unmaimed… and you're about to get whomever you desire in the whole of Gotham."

"…Can I request that new stripper in the club?"

"HAHA! That's the spirit!"


	5. Bridge Of Light

Okay, so a few years ago I started a Joker/Harley kid series….and lost all interest. This is the re-write of that series, with better writing, storyline and characterisation. :)

Please read and review :)

…

Joker slammed his brakes on as they approached the GCPD, spinning the wheel so that the car crashed into some bins in an alleyway.

"A perfect parking…." He hissed in glee, switching the engine off (not that it needed much convincing after that crash), "… what do you think Jester?"

In the front passenger seat, hands tightly grasping his seatbelt, was four-year-old Jesse. The small child was clearly alarmed at the reckless driving. "That was scary Daddy…" he whispered.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah…." The Joker practically leapt out of the car, "… come on brat. You want to see your Mommy, don't you?"

Jesse was quick to obey, releasing the seatbelt and clambering out of the car, rushing to catch up with his Dad. Soon, they reached the wall that surrounded the GCP.

"Remember kid, we've got to take this slow. If they even sense that we know your Mommy's here, they'll have her shipped to Arkham before we can do anything- HEY!"

Before Joker could finish the sentence, Jesse had raced towards a hole in the wall and crawled through, not even looking out for guards or any other security measures.

"Jesse! Jesse!" he hissed in anger, vaulting over the wall and slicing the throats of two guards as he raced after his son. Before the child could try and crawl through the window of the prison, Joker grabbed him around the waist and practically threw him to the gravelly ground.

Jesse however, didn't seem fussed at all. "Didja see me?! Didja see me Daddy?!"

"Don't you ever do that again!"

"Daddy! I sneaked past two guards!"

Joker rolled his eyes in exasperation, "Oh Jesse- "

"- like a real criminal! I'm gonna be just like you and Mommy!"

"Yeah, and running through the GCPD is a sure way to get a bullet through that pretty little skull of yours!"

"But I didn't!"

Joker threw his hands up in the air in exasperation, "Keep answering back and I'll happily take their place as the shooter!"

"Mommy won't let you!" Jesse scowled at his Dad, not flinching when his Dad bent down and got right in his face.

"Well Mommy's not here right now is she?!"

There was a tense silence for a few seconds, before Jesse spat at his Dad, hitting him right in the eye.

"Why you little- "

Before Joker could fully tighten his hands around the brat's throat, there was a familiar voice from a nearby window.

"Puddin'? Jester?"

Harley's face suddenly appeared at the window, frowning when she saw where the Joker's hands were. "Let him go…." She hissed, "…. What's going on with you two?!"

"I'm just working things out with my darling son…" the Joker didn't even glance up at his partner, "… I'll soon have it sorted out!"

Jesse pulled his Dad's hands off of him, taking several steps back, his fists clenched in anger as he glared at the Clown Prince of Gotham.

"Jester? Sweetie?" Harley sighed as her son barely even flinched at her voice, "Mister J, why don't you go keep a look out for guards or somethin'?"

Joker continued to glare at his son, before spinning around on his heel and storming off, muttering angrily to himself as he went. When he was a suitable distance enough away, Jesse silently began to throw a fit, stomping his feet and pulling at his hair.

"Jesse. Calm down…." Whispered Harley, "…. close your eyes, and take a deep breath."

"Just when you think

Hope is lost

And giving up

Is all you got,

Blue turns black,

Your confidence is cracked,

There seems no turning back from here"

When your feet are made of stone

You're convinced that you're all alone

Look at the stars instead of the dark

You'll find your heart shines like the sun"

As his Mother began to sing softly to her son, Jesse managed to calm herself down, stepping closer and closer to the window

"Let's not let our anger get us lost

And the need to be right comes at way too high a cost

That's when you can build a bridge of light,

That's what turns the wrongs all right

That's when you can't give up the fight

That's when love turns night-time into day,

That's when loneliness goes away,

That's why you gotta be strong tonight,

Only love can build us a bridge of light"

Harley gave her son a reassuring smile, beaming as the child returned it.

"Deep breath, take it on the chin

But don't forget to let love back in

That's when love can build a bridge of light

That's what turns the wrongs all right

That's when you can't give up the fight"

His Mother suddenly stopped, quickly pretending to sleep as a guard within the prison patrolled the cells, making sure that there were no escapees. When the coast was clear, Jesse was the one who picked up the song.

"That's when love turns night-time into day,

That's when loneliness goes away

That's why you gotta be strong tonight

'Cause only love can build us a bridge of light"

"Perfect…." muttered Joker from his position down the courtyard, "…. Just what I need. A kid yowling like a dying cat."

"Only love can build us a bridge of light

Of light, of light"

As the song came to an end, Jesse reached up to try and hold his Mom, only to fall short. "I wanna hug…" he whimpered, "… Mommy, I wanna hug!"

Before Harley could answer, the Joker (who had calmed down slightly) strode over and lifted Jesse into the air. "We don't have time for this…" he growled, covering Jesse's mouth before the child could protest, "…. I've got better things to do."

As he went to leave, a struggling Jesse in his arms, Harley's voice stopped him in his tracks. "Puddin?"

He twisted around and raised an eyebrow at her, tightening his grip around Jesse.

"Ya ain't gonna leave me here are ya Puddin'?"

There was silence for a few moments, before the Joker shook his head. "Of course not."

Harley beamed, but this soon fell when the Joker finished.

"If you think I'm raising this brat by myself, you're as crazy as me!"


	6. The Meeting

Okay, so a few years ago I started a Joker/Harley kid series….and lost all interest. This is the re-write of that series, with better writing, storyline and characterisation. :)

Please read and review :)

…

"I don't wanna go to a stupid meeting…" Jesse whined as the Joker dragged him into the building, "… I wanna stay home!"

"I don't give a shit. With your Mommy still in Arkham, there's no-one I trust to look after you…. So now you've gotta be bored!"

Jesse whined even harder at this, desperately trying to plant his feet into the ground and stop himself from being dragged forwards.

Snarling in anger, Joker yanked harder on his son's hand until he was finally inside the building. Striding through the dusty, deserted warehouse, Jesse soon stopped struggling, letting himself be led through the building until they came to a door at the other end.

"Right…" Joker grunted, lifting his son into the air and dumping him on a chair next to the door, "… stay."

"Why can't I come?!"

"Because I said so."

Silence.

In suspicion. Joker glanced over to his son…. Only to sigh wearily. Jesse looked as though he was seconds from crying, and despite wanting to kill the brat every other day, Joker hated seeing him cry.

"Fine, fine, fine…" he muttered, reaching into his suit jacket pocket and pulling out his personal watch, practically throwing it at the child, "…. Play with that until I get back."

"When are you going to get back?"

Striding over, Joker tapped the glass of the watch. "Big hand at the twelve. Little hand at the six. That's when."

"But that's forever!"

"…. If you're good, I'll teach you how to make bombs. How about that?"

As Jesse nodded eagerly, Joker patted him on the cheek and strode into the meeting room. Before entering, he pointed a stern finger at his son, "No exploring!"

As the door slammed shut behind his Father, Jesse found that he was already bored. Swinging his legs, the four-year-old huffed and sighed… until he heard someone chuckling.

Glancing around frantically, Jesse focused on a pile of boxes near the opposite wall. As he continued to stare, eventually, another boy around his own age peeked around the boxes. Upon being noticing that he was being watched, the boy stuck his tongue out at Jesse and ran in the opposite direction.

Cautiously, Jesse clambered off the chair, keeping his eyes on where the other boy was. After not moving for a few moments, the boy returned and laughed. "Are you just going to stay there? C'mon!"

As he raced away again, Jesse followed, barely avoiding knocking a large pile of boxes over as he attempted to keep up.

"Hurry up! Hurry up!" called the other boy.

Eventually, they entered an adjourning courtyard, which was shared by the warehouse next door. As it was used by a legitimate business (and not for criminal meetings like so many like it), the courtyard was filled with crates of various fruits, ready for shipping to various supermarkets.

As Jesse caught up to the other boy, the boy glanced back at, smirked and gestured towards a crate of apples near the centre of the courtyard. "Bet you can't steal one of those."

Recognising the challenge for what it was, Jesse nodded in determination, creeping over to the crates. There were quite a few workers milling around the area, so Jesse was careful to keep a low profile.

Stealing the apple was easy… doing it without being seen was a little harder.

"Hey!" yelled one of the workers, "Put that back!"

Alarmed, Jesse sprinted away, twisting and turning around the piles of boxes and crates in an attempt to get away.

"Over here!"

Before Jesse could react to the cry, his arm was grabbed and he was dragged back into the warehouse, the metal doors slamming shut and locking the workers out.

The other boy laughed at this, spinning around and beaming at Jesse. "Did you see their faces when we stole those apples?!"

"We?"

"Fine, when you stole those apples… while I helped."

Jesse couldn't help but return the smile. "I'm Jesse!"

"Jeremiah! But you can call me Jerry!"

"Are you here with your Dad to?"

"Yeah! Both! They have a very important meeting."

"Mine too!"

There was a brief silence, before Jesse glanced around. "What should we do now?"

Before Jerry could answer, there were the sounds of yelling and glass smashing from the meeting room as someone was thrown into the door, head crashing through the glass window.

"BASTARD!" snarled Two-Face, pushing back against whoever had him pinned against the wall, "Let me go, I'll kill you!"

"Now, now, now Facey!" laughed the Joker, "Let's not break this friendship between us!"

"FUCKING CLOWN!"

"Language!"

Furiously, Two-Face pushed himself back, managing to get his bleeding face out of the window space. Cautiously, Jerry and Jesse made their way over to the door and, working together, managed to open it.

Peering into the room, they saw Two-Face and Joker scrambling for dominance on the floor as several other villains cheered them on. Standing near the corner of the room, Penguin and the Riddler stood together and watched the fight with sneers on their faces.

As the more sophisticated members of the criminal group, this was of very little interest to them… unless one killed the other and the power balance shifted.

Now that would have been interesting.

As Two-Face began to strike Joker in the face again, and again, and again, the clown cackled in glee, whooping even as his nose was broken.

Upon seeing the children in the doorway, Penguin waved them over, encouraging them to stand close in order to avoid being dragged into the fray.

"I'm sure I told you to wait in the warehouse…" he scolded Jerry, lightly bopping the four-year-old on his head, "… in fact, I clearly remembered saying it."

"We just wanted to see what was going on!"

Beside the Penguin, the Riddler smirked. "Curiosity killed the cat… or the small child." He then turned his attention to Jesse. "You must be Clown junior?"

Jesse nodded shyly, shuffling from side to side as the sounds of fighting increased in volume. "Yeah… what are they fighting over?"

"Who gets to the kill the Bat…. This usually happens."

"Oh…. I- "

Suddenly, Jesse felt an arm around his waist as he was pulled up into the air.

"I getta kill the Bat…" announced Joker, swinging his son around, "… because I gotta a kid! Everyone whose gotta kid, gets everything! Not that you'd understand Facey!"

The rest of the villains groaned at this.

"Just because you knocked up Harley, it doesn't mean Jesse is now your little pawn." Sighed Poison Ivy, examining her fingernails and smiling as Jesse began to struggle in excitement.

"Aunty Ivy, Aunty Ivy!" he giggled, holding out his arms towards her, despite Joker's frown, "Aunty Ivy!"

"Knock it off brat…" Joker muttered, shaking his son until Jesse finally managed to wriggle free, running over to Poison Ivy.

To the rest of the group's shock, Ivy didn't turn the muddy child away, instead, lifting the child into her arms and giving him a small smile." How have you been?" she asked, scanning the child up and down, clearly looking for signs of abuse.

Despite finding nothing obvious, she still glared at the Joker, who glared right back.

"I'm fine Aunty Ivy…" Jesse laughed, unaware of the tension, "… Daddy said he was gonna teach me how ta make bombs!"

"If you were good and stayed put brat!" snarled Joker, "Which you didn't!"

In response to this, Jesse twisted around to face his Father, making his eyes as big as possible as they filled up with tears and his bottom lip wobbled. "B-but you promised!"

Now Joker never claimed to adore his son to pieces and he certainly didn't adore Harley…. But they both shared the same puppy dog eyes technique… which Joker knew he was weak to.

Partially because of the cuteness…. And partially because he couldn't tear the eyes out of their skulls.

"Fine…" he grunted, "… we can make bombs."

As Jesse whooped in glee, Joker heard the sound of a whip behind him, causing him to spin around and glare at Catwoman.

"You're whipped honey…" she crooned, smirking at the clown, "… look at you being a good, domestic Daddy."

"BITCH!"

As the Joker leapt at the thief, Jesse turned to Ivy and frowned. "Does Daddy always do this?"

"Don't worry… you'll get used to it."


	7. Edward and Oswald

Okay, so a few years ago I started a Joker/Harley kid series….and lost all interest. This is the re-write of that series, with better writing, storyline and characterisation. J

Please read and review J

…

"Does your Dad know you're here?"

Jesse glanced up at Penguin, a cheeky beam on his face as the older man rolled his eyes and allowed him inside.

"Jesse… does the Joker know you're here?"

"Nope!" Jesse span around in circles, his arms out wide, "He was too busy thinking of ways to kill Batsy, and wasn't playing! So, I came here… is Jerry home?"

Oswald sighed, "It's really not a good time Jesse… I'll ask Gabe to drive you home."

Before the large bodyguard could grab the over-excited five-year-old, Jesse practically danced away, laughing as he raced upstairs.

Ignoring Oswald's frantic cries for him to stop, Jesse ran towards Jerry's room on the upper levels. Whilst he couldn't read the name on the door, he knew exactly which one it was…. The one covered in chess pieces stickers, scrabble letters and a large Rubik's cube poster.

"Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jer-"

The door flew open and Jesse was dragged inside, giggling as he went. "Hiya Jerry, what's- "

"SHHHH!"

Jerry's face was pale as she dragged Jesse further into the room, "What are you doing?" the other boy asked, "You shouldn't be here!"

Jesse frowned, "Why?"

There was a loud crash from the bathroom, causing Jerry to flinch, jumping up into the air. "It's just not a good time!"

Before Jesse could ask any further questions, the door slammed open again and a taller, curly-haired teen raced in, closely followed by Victor Zsasz. The older teen grabbed a small notebook that was hanging around his neck, scribbling on it for a couple of seconds, before showing the picture to Jerry and Jesse.

It was a rough scribble of someone who looked like Ed. The figure was clearly angry, with smoke coming out of his head and his fingers like claws.

"I know Martin…" Jerry whispered, "… that's why I'm not leaving this room."

Jesse glanced between the pair, a question on his lips, which Jerry noticed.

"Sorry Jesse, this is my brother Martin… he can't speak, so you just have to look at the pictures if you can't understand sign language."

"I know one sign!"

Jerry raised an eyebrow, only to gasp when Jesse clenched his fist and stuck his middle finger up. "You can't do that!"

"Try and stop me!"

Before Jerry could even try to stop him, there was a bellow from just down the corridor.

"OSWALD!"

Everyone, with the exception of Victor, flinched, with the two five-year-olds racing towards the door to try and see what was happening. The opened the door just a crack to see Oswald limping past the room, heading towards the large ornate bathroom.

"Come on!" Jesse hissed in curious glee, grabbing Jerry's hand and pulling him out of the room, "I wanna see what's going on!"

"Jesse, no!"

Jesse didn't listen. He crept along the corridor, almost acting like a cartoon character as he went. When he reached the bathroom, he hid behind a plant pot and listened to what was happening.

"Don't' think I don't know what's going on!" he heard Edward growl, "Don't think I don't know about you and Victor!"

"We're not together anymore Edward!" Oswald replied, "You know this! We used to be, and now we're not! We raised Jeremiah together for a couple of years, and then you decided to swan off and leave!"

"And you killed the woman I loved!"

Oswald stormed out of the bathroom, closely followed by Edward. "You didn't love her!" Oswald sighed angrily, "You only thought you did! You left us behind because you wanted the perfect life with your Miss Kringle double!"

Edward snarled in pure anger, grabbing Oswald by the throat and pinning the shorter man against the wall, "Take. That. Back!"

"Never!"

"Take. That. BACK!"

He slammed Oswald's head against the wall a little harder, prompting the younger man to grunt in pain. At that tiny grunt, Jerry's bedroom door slammed open and Victor strode into the corridor, two pistols aimed at Edward's head.

"Time for you to leave I think…" the hit-man smiled menacingly at Edward, although his tone was polite, "… bye bye Eddy!"

"You can't make me leave my own house!"

"Actually…" Oswald used the bird head on his cane to hook Edward's arm and wrench it away from his neck, "… I own this entire club. Every single brick, whereas you own nothing! Now get out!"

Edward rubbed at his, now sore, arm. "Fine… you'll be begging me back soon enough."

Without even looking at Jerry, Edward stormed away, sneering as Victor kept his guns on him. After the front door slammed shut behind him, a tense silence filled the air… until Jesse started making cuckoo noises.

"Wow…" he muttered, "… and I thought my Dad was crazy!"

Oswald groaned under his breath, pushing himself away from the wall and rubbing his throat. "Jesse…" he croaked, "… time for you to go home."

"But- "

"- Now!"

Jesse scowled at him, before rolling his eyes and storming off.

"Stupid penguins…" he muttered under his breath as he left the club, sticking his special sign language up at the cameras above the door, "… stupid, stupid, stupid."

…..

"Where the bloody hell have you been?" Joker scowled, lounging in his chair and throwing daggers at a picture of Batman, "Liam's been looking for you."

The five-year-old scowled, "Weren't you?"

"Couldn't care less… I thought you getting hit by a car would teach you a valuable lesson."

Jesse paused, before shrugging and clambering onto his Dad's lap (ignoring how the older man complained), "I've news about Eddy…" the kid sing-songed, smirking when his Dad perked up, "… did you know he and Oswald aren't together anymore?"

Joker raised his hand in dismissal, "Everyone knows that, it's not a secret."

"Did you know that creepy Victor guy and Oswald were sleeping together?"

Now this caught Joker's interest, "Penguin and the Hitman…" he started to cackle maniacally, "… oh that is just perfect! I bet Eddy is fuming!"

"He attacked Oswald today… pinned him against a wall like you do to Mummy!"

"Really fuming then… what did Baldy do?"

"Aimed a gun at Edward's head and pretty much told him to fuck off!"

Joker whooped in glee again, "I love it! The perfect wedge between Ozzy and Eddy… all it'll take is one little push and we'll have a war on our hands! I love it!"

He lifted his son up, so he could look the child in the eyes, "And you're going to be my little spy, understood?"

"Yes Daddy."

"That's my boy!"


	8. Shot Through The Heart

Okay, so a few years ago I started a Joker/Harley kid series….and lost all interest. This is the re-write of that series, with better writing, storyline, and characterization. J

Please read and review J

…

"Shot through the heart

And you're to blame

Darlin', you give love a bad name"

Jesse scowled as he gazed down at the dance floor, watching as people started to bounce up and down, chanting in time to the music.

He was bored… and a bored Jester is never a good thing.

"An angel's smile is what you sell

You promise me heaven, then put me through Hell

Chains of love got a hold on me

When passions a prison, you can't break free

Oh, you're a loaded gun, yeah

Oh, there's nowhere to run

No one can save me

The damage is done!"

His slingshot in his hand, and paintball pellets in a bag by his side, Jesse scooped out his targets…. Maybe that new stripper? Or maybe, some of those fancy bodyguards in those nice new suits?

Or maybe Daddy himself.

"Shot through the heart

And you're to blame

You give love a bad name (bad name)

I play my part and you play your game

You give love a bad name (bad name)

You give love, a bad name!"

It was a bold decision, but it was a decision already made. Grabbing a green paintball pellet, Jesse took aim at the figure lounging on the sofa… and fired.

The yelp of pain echoed through the club, causing everyone to go silent as green paint stained the Joker's chest.

"…. JESSE!"

On the top balcony, several club-goers watched as a six-year-old raced past them, laughing maniacally as the Joker came charging up the stairs.

"GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE BASTARD!"

"Never!"

Everyone practically dived to the side as Joker came charging past them, his hand already reaching for a gun as he prepared the fire at the little brat… not to kill him, just to scare him.

BANG

BANG

BANG

Everyone started to scream, heading out of the door even as Jesse's laugh got higher and more manic sounding.

Before he could grab his son, Jesse practically vaulted out of the partially open window and onto the fire escape, racing down the metal stairs as his dad stuck his head out of the window.

"WHEN I SEE YOU NEXT, THE NEXT BULLET'S GOING IN YOUR HEAD!"

…

Oswald groaned at the knock on the club door.

The club was closed, which meant that there was only one person who could be knocking at this time.

"Victor…" he softly called out, smiling as the bodyguard/hit-man glanced up from where he was cleaning his guns, "… if that's Jesse at the door, can you just encourage him to go back to the Joker… forcefully if possible, I really don't have the energy to deal with him today."

Before Victor could get up and answer the door, someone had already beaten him to it.

"Hi, Jesse!" Jerimiah exclaimed in glee, not hearing how his Dad audibly groaned, "You okay?"

"My Dad shot at me! It was awesome!"

"… It doesn't sound awesome."

"Well, we all can't have the nice Dad who only uses umbrellas as a weapon."

"I use guns as well…" Oswald grumbled under his breath, hearing the door close and the two six-year-olds race upstairs to Jeremiah's room, "… it's not just umbrellas."

Victor chuckled at this, holding up his gun. "You still want me to get rid of him?"

"… No. I don't want him to get too used to dodging bullets… he might get a complexion."

"…. And you like Jerry having friends."

"And it's nice that Jerry has some friends."

…..

"I can't believe he shot at you!" Jerry exclaimed as he and Jesse entered his bedroom, "Why would he shoot you?!"

"'Cause I shot at him first."

"… What?"

Jesse grinned, leaping onto Jerry's bed and jumping up and down. "I got some paintball pellets… Dad decided to wear his shirt open today, so I shot a green paintball at him."

"And then he tried to shoot you?"

"Yep!"

"Didn't you Mom stop- oh."

At the mention of his mother, Jesse visibly wilted. Harley had been in Arkham Asylum for two years, and whilst Joker did initially try to free her, his efforts dwindled over the last year.

"… I just want her back. If Daddy gets too annoyed with me, maybe he'll break her out so that she can take care of me."

Jerry leaned forward and frowned, "You… you make your Daddy angry so that he will break Harley out? You don't want him to be a Daddy?"

"No… I want my Mummy."

Unused to seeing his friend so down-trodden and broken, Jerry winced when tears started to make their way down Jesse's cheeks.

"Ummm…. Please don't cry?"

"Jerimiah?"

Jerry glanced over to the doorway, where his Dad was standing, a confused look on his face as he spotted Jesse crying on the bed. "Ummmm…. Help?"

Oswald limped further into the room, slowly sitting beside Jesse and slowly placing a hand on the child's back (preparing to snatch it away if the kid didn't react well). "Jesse… Jesse, what's wrong?"

"I want Mummy!"

Yes, Jesse swore and yes, he cheated death time after time, but he was still just a child.

Sometimes Oswald forgot that.

"Hasn't your Dad gone to get her yet… he- "

"- No!" Jesse interrupted, pounding his fist against the bed, "He won't go and get her! I hate him! I want Mummy!"

"… Have you tried asking him?"

"…. No."

"Well…" Seeing an opportunity to get the mini maniac out of the house, Oswald got to his feet and smiled softly at the six-year-old, "… we'll just have to have a word with Joker, won't we?"

Jesse nodded eagerly, racing out of the room, closely followed by Jerimiah as they dodged Martin and Victor.

"So what's the actual plan?"

Oswald turned to Victor and smirked, "You think I have a plan?"

"You always have a plan, it's why I'm fond of you."

"True… Harley was the one who looked after Jesse. Jesse was devoted to his mother, and wouldn't dare run away from her, not like he does with that bodyguard of his. We help get Harley out of Arkham, we solve our problem of having Jesse come here every other day and scaring customers away because he's the son of the Joker."

Victor nodded in understanding, "Makes sense… you need me for this?"

"Do you want to come?"

Rolling his eyes at Victor's answering smirk, Oswald headed for the door. "Get your mind out of the gutter and let's go. Bring whatever you want."

"Ooo, I can try out Betsy!"

….

"What do you want?"

Oswald gave Joker his best, winning smile, pushing Jesse forwards. "I believe this is yours?"

"Not for much longer." Joker gestured for Jesse to come closer, an evil smirk on his face, "If the brat wants to play big boys and shoot paintballs at me, then he should be prepared for the consequences!"

"Actually, I was hoping that we could come to an agreement together? Say my men helping you break Harley out of Arkham in return for a favour from me?"

The Joker frowned at this, leaning forwards as he pulled Jesse closer. "… What do you get from it?"

"… Call it, me not wanting to deal with your kid, every time you and he have a fight."

Joker cackled at this, ruffling Jesse's hair. "Look at you… maybe I should send you to Batsy! You might be the little push he needs!" He then turned his attention back to Oswald, "Alright Pengy… let's get my Harlequin."


	9. Rescue

"Don't even think about it mate."

The new guard flinched at the gruff voice near his eye, spinning away from the security cameras and frowning at the supervisor. "Don't think about what?"

Gesturing at the screens, where an image of Harley Quinn dancing in her cell could be seen, the older man smirked. "All newbies think the same thing…. She's so nice…. She clearly wants it…. One quick visit won't hurt." He shook his head, "She'll bite your cock off before you can even pull it out of your pants…. She's done it before."

The pair turned their attention back to the screens, where Harley Quinn was now waving at the camera, as if she knew that they were talking about her.

"The only one she'll let near her, is the Joker…. And you've heard about how crazy he is."

The younger guard but help but nod.

"Yeah… crazy."

…..

"Here…"

Jesse glanced up as his Dad smirked at him, handing him a fairly large bottle of a clear liquid…. It didn't smell like water though.

"… have a sip of that. Calm your nerves and everything."

"No, no, no!"

Before Jesse could take a sip, the bottle was then yanked out of his hand as Oswald frowned at Joker.

"It's a waste of alcohol…" he muttered, "… and I'm not dealing with Harley if Jesse is drunk for their reunion."

"He's moving too much!"

"He's twitching his leg!"

In the back, Victor gave Jesse a mock sympathetic look. "Mommy and Daddy are fighting again, huh?"

"Victor…. Not now." Oswald sighed as they parked on the road that led up to the Asylum, "Is everything ready?"

Suddenly serious, Victor nodded, placing the last of his guns in their holsters as the two vans transporting the Joker and the Penguin's men pulled up behind them.

"Ready and waiting boss."

As they all clambered out of the car, Joker suddenly darted forwards and grabbed his sons' arm. "Not you brat…" he growled, lifting the boy up by the collar and throwing him back into the car, "…. I ain't spending half my time making sure you don't fuck this up!"

"Fuck you! I want to see Mommy!"

Joker just growled, slamming the door shut and locking it, ignoring Jesse's incoherent screams of rage behind him. "Should have brought Liam…" he grumbled, "… damn brat listens to him."

It was then that he spotted Jeremiah pressing up against the opposite door, wincing as Jesse lunged at the other door again and again.

"How come your son is so…. Good." Joker sneered, "And mine turned out like that?"

Oswald had many answers for him…. But none of them were worth losing his life over it. So, he simply shrugged instead, silently directing his men into the woods surrounding the asylum. Once the men were on their way, he turned back to the car, sighing in relief when he noticed how Jesse had seemed to calm down.

Making eye contact with his own soon, he mouthed 'be good' at him, before heading away, following the men and Joker towards the asylum.

….

"Something's wrong."

The newbie glanced over at his older supervisor, who was frowning at the security camera screens.

"Can't you sense it… something's going to happen."

"Ummmm…" The newbie shook his head, "… I don't sense anything."

"Give it a few years… you'll sense an escape attempt or a break in hours before it happens. I wish I'd booked a night off now."

"B-but shouldn't we warn someone? Try and stop it?"

The older man shook his head, "It's been two years since Harley was moved here… the Joker is probably getting… needy."

"Shouldn't we get our guns ready? Call the other guards?"

"What's the point… no-one can kill the Joker, not even the Bat's managed it."

…

"I'm going to kill him!"

Jeremiah winced as Jesse screamed at the closed window again, kicking furiously at the door as though his little legs were going to have any effect on the metal.

"Ummmm, Jesse- "

"KILL HIM!"

"Jesse- "

"WHAT!"

As Jesse spun around and glare at him, Jeremiah flinched briefly, staying perfectly still in case Jesse decided to lunge at him instead. Once it was clear that he wasn't going to get bitten or punched, he moved a little closer, shuffling past his friend… and lifting the lock device up, promptly unlocking the door.

"It's an old car…" he explained to Jesse, "… You can lock people out, but locking people in is a bit pointless."

"…. I love you and your brain!" In an instant, Jesse had gone from the manic, psychotic kid, to someone who could charm old ladies into giving him all the candy in the world. He swiftly opened the door and hopped out, pausing to turn to his friend, "You coming?"

"Yeah, yeah…." Jeremiah hopped out, only to frown, "… Wait, we're not going to Arkham, right?"

"Hi ho! Hi Ho! It's off to Arkham we go!"

….

It had all happened so quickly.

One minute, there was silence, and the next the doors were blown open and armed men poured in, shooting half of the guards before they could even think about drawing their own weapons.

The newbie had to watch as the older man fell to the ground, the back of his head blown out, blood pooling on the ground.

And then the Joker sauntered into the room, eyes immediately drawn to the security camera screens.

"There she is…" he whispered, licking his scarred lips as he leant in close to the screen, "…. Look at that creamy skin…. That beautiful creamy skin." He turned to the newbie, cackling as the young man whimpered slightly in fear, "You want her? You want to touch her…. Feel her lips…. those gorgeous arms and legs wrapping around you."

The newbie tried to shake his head, the whimper turning into a yelp when the Joker darted forwards, gripping his chin and forcing his head still.

"Maybe we can all have some fun before Batsy gets here."

…..

"Freezy!" Harley cooed, making her way over to the glass as the other villain made his way over, "And Pengy!"

Oswald rolled his eyes as he limped closer, taking care not to step in the blood of the guards who'd made the mistake of trying to go up against them. "Yes, yes, hello Harley."

"Ya breakin' me out sugar?"

"If it means your son won't be bothering me every few hours, then yes." Oswald nodded at Freeze, giving him the signal to freeze the glass to a point where it would easily shatter.

Once the glass was shattered and Harley had hopped out, pulling Oswald into a hug, the small group made their way back into the main corridor, with Harley babbling eagerly about all the things she was going to do now.

"…. Get some new clothes, go out with Ivy, hug my little Jester- "

Suddenly, there was a scream from the nearby security room, followed by a familiar cackling.

"Mister J!" Harley immediately recognised the laugh, rushing over to the security doors and flinging them open. From there, she leapt over the dead bodies and threw her arms around the maniac.

Well… at least, she tried to.

Just before she could wrap her arms around him, Joker spun around and backhanded her to the ground, causing her to land heavily in a small pool of blood.

"Look at all the effort I've had to go through because of you!" he growled at her, not bothering to help her up as he turned his attention back to the lone guard tied to a chair. "He's pissed himself three times, and all because I had to come and get your ass out of here!"

"'M sorry puddin'…." Harley whimpered, crawling closer, "… I didn't mean to be so much trouble."

Joker was silent for a few moments, before a sly grin spread across his face and he opened up his arms. "C'mere Harley."

She squealed in joy, jumping to her feet and wrapping her arms around him, ignoring how Oswald and the two Victors rolled their eyes behind them.

"Mommy?"


End file.
